Welcome back to week two of my three-part series, Interview with a Dominant. Last week, we had DJ Black from A Voice in the Corner (if you missed that interview, I'll link you below so you can catch up). This week, I'd like to welcome my friend Secret Spanko from www.imasecretspanko.blogspot.com. I can't remember how Secret Spanko and I got to talking - I think I was a lurker on his site for a while... but he's become a good friend and I feel like there's one thing I've learned from him, and from other Doms I've come to know, and that is that a true Dominant has almost a sweetness to him and a caring that is truly special and unique. I still remember when I first thought this and it almost sounds at odds, I know, but I think it's true. I have to think about where it comes from but for now, the interview!
Natasha: When did you first become aware of your sexual interest in spanking? How old were you? Did you have a name for it at the start? Did you know this was the way some of us just are or was it something you tried to set aside and hide from? How did you feel about it?
Secret Spanko: I know it started early. I think I maybe mentioned it before, but like most boys growing up I had fantasies about the hot girl down the street. Unlike most boys these fantasies involved her getting a spanking. I didn't share it with anybody, because well, it was a secret fantasy, right? I went to college at about the time the internet started and it wasn't long before I discovered spanking stories on it and I realized someone out there had the same feelings as I did.
In dating, I tried playful spanks here and there as a part of foreplay with varying degrees of acceptance. One girl really liked it, but she had other issues. Overall I think I had a healthy understanding that my sexual tastes were a bit different, but that I was not alone in having those desires.
Natasha: When was the time when you decided to act - to try to find a partner who might be interested in exploring this with you? I imagine for men, especially as the dominant partner, there may be some conflicting emotions internally.
Secret Spanko: As I said I tried gently exploring it several times but without much success. For over a decade I enjoyed spanking videos and spanking stories. Then I decided to try a spanking personals site and have been actively spanking ever since.
Natasha: What was the actual first time like for you? Being the submissive partner is one thing, but to be the dominant one lays even more pressure on the shoulders of said Dom.
Secret Spanko: The very first time I met someone for a "real spanking" was interesting.
You know how your first time having sex is not quite as magical as you'd envisioned? Maybe it's just me... I'd like to think I'm much better at both sex and spanking after having practice at it than I was my first time I attempted either.
There was a lady I'd been talking to on email and chat- she had a regular disciplinarian who had moved. We emailed for months actually and talked on the phone a couple of times about spanking and likes and dislikes and limits and her experiences and things she had done to deserve a spanking etc... We'd traded pics, and decided mutually that by that point we were comfortable enough with each other to go ahead and meet for a first session without doing the meet for coffee thing first.
When we met, I realized there wasn't the physical/sexual attraction there that had been present in all my fantasies for all those years about this moment. There was a mix of emotions- I was excited about giving my first ever real spanking but was not attracted to her, and the sexual turn on of spankings was integral to my desire to spank. I hope that makes sense.
We'd become friends through our correspondence, and I knew she wanted/needed this. I was determined to give it to her- partly out of pride (I wanted to prove I could give a good spanking) but also because I wanted to fulfill her desires and needs, even if it wasn't as much of a turn on to me as I'd envisioned. We'd talked about how she wanted and was used to severe spankings and wanted the release of a good cry but it took a lot to get her to that point.
So I gave it my best shot- lecturing, light spanks, medium spanks, hard spanks and repeat; slow, fast, a variety of positions and I used many of her large collection of implements.
I took a break. My arm was sore. I was sweating and a little tired. Her bottom was red all over with several spots I knew would bruise. I was genuinely worried I'd gone too far and gotten carried away not knowing what I was doing. It was with this worry that I picked up the lotion. I guess she heard the snap of the lotion cap...
Seriously? She wanted me to keep going. I tried to oblige and continued. At some point I called a stop to it. Her butt looked like hamburger meat and I wasn't comfortable continuing. To this day it's probably in the top 5 most severe sessions I've given.
She was disappointed and a little irritated that I wouldn't continue. I tried talking to her and lotion and hugs etc... And that helped. But I could tell she was disappointed.
We tried again a couple more times. Equally severe and closer, but couldn't quite get her to tears. She just had different tastes than I did, and last I knew she'd found a boyfriend who spanked her. I'm glad. I wonder if I could do a better job now, but haven't heard from her in years.
Natasha: Erotic spanking vs. true punishment spanking, can you talk about the difference for you here - I mean in the reality of it. Domestic discipline often sounds hot in fiction but I want the real life experience.
Spankings are erotic to me. They are to most (but not all) women who go far enough to find someone to spank them. It's not something that I shy away from or try not to acknowledge. Most would prefer that their boyfriend/husband spank them or that they had one who would, in part because the after spanking care - well, I can't/won't fulfill all their desires - I'm not looking to have sex with the women I spank. On the other hand several have brought toys with them and will get themselves off afterwards, but I'd say it's fairly rare for someone to want a disciplinarian that's, for lack of a better word, "strictly disciplinary", but it happens.
One lady wanted to stop smoking. I cautioned her that I wouldn't be there with her in the convenience store when she was tempted, but hoped that she remembered how her bottom felt that day and wanted to make sure I gave her every incentive not to repeat the spanking she got.
One lady was used to bringing a little pink toy and getting off after her spankings. She told me about something she'd done the week before that I thought was truly bad and didn't want her to do it again. (The lecturing part was easier for me to do that time because I really meant it instead of lecturing about a made up speeding ticket or something.) Afterward I wouldn't let her get herself off -as a part of her punishment. I've used that tactic a couple of times.
Natasha: Are you open about this part of your life with friends and/or family? If you are open about it with non-spankos, how have they reacted? Do you seek out friends with the same interest? If so, is there a difference in that sort of friendship, especially with another male dominant?
Secret Spanko: My wife certainly knows that I have a spanking fetish. She has become more open to it and indulges me occasionally, but for a long time, it wasn’t something she could accept. Given the fact that we have young children at home, it’s still difficult, however, to find the privacy and time.
I don't really get into the spanking social scene of parties, I prefer the more intense one on one sessions. I've interacted with several other tops/spankers/Doms etc... Most are friendly, but some are territorial or even condescending, particularly about switching.
I have enjoyed talking to a few guys that want to get into spanking and offered some hopefully helpful advice:
"I've always had this thing for spanking, how do I find someone who wants it too?"
"Try getting on fetlife."
"Ok but it isn't working"
"You have to actually talk to people, you can't just post that you want to spank women and a pic of you with your shirt off and expect them to flock to you. Interact. Join a group or discussion and start a conversation. Try going to a party to meet people."
Natasha: (I'm giggling at your comment about 'expecting women to flock to them') Where do you think this stems from - nature or nurture, a mix, something else?
Secret Spanko: That's a question I've wondered about and haven't come up with a satisfactory answer. I think to a large extent it's nature, but that one has to be exposed to it- there has to be something to spark that interest, but once that happens I think some people just have that spanking interest and others just don't. But I wish I knew that for sure instead of just thinking it.
Natasha: Interesting how you and DJ had a very similar answer to that last question, the part about something to spark the interest I mean. I agree with that - or at least that was my experience.
Thanks so much for agreeing to this interview SS. I know it can be hard to balance this part of life with 'real' life and I know by talking openly, we make ourselves vulnerable and I appreciate very much your trust and your openness.
To the readers, please feel free to comment, ask questions, anything (within reason of course - don't be naughty:) I'm always amazed at how few people comment vs. how many views a post gets although I also understand it, I suppose.
Here is a link to last week's interview with DJ Black in case you missed it and next week, James Johnson of Stormy Night Publications will join us!