Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Interview with a Dominant: Part One with Damian (DJ) Black

I have a very special post to share today. You can probably guess from the title what this is about, but this week and over the next few weeks, I will share three interviews with three men who have been kind and open enough to share what their experiences have been like as dominant men who like to spank women with consideration for both erotic and disciplinary spankings. I know what it was like as a woman (and as the submissive partner) to come out and I feel really lucky to be able to hear and share with you all accounts from the other end of the paddle. 

Today I have Damian (DJ) Black, author and creator of the blog A Voice in the Corner. If you’ve not been to his blog, well really, any spanko should know the place (linked above if you don’t). Damian writes beautifully, his stories are elegantly written and sexually charged, photos are beautiful (and totally hot) and on Wednesdays, we are treated to a post from Indigo Sigh who is absolutely mesmerizing. I’ve asked Damian some questions and I’m so pleased and grateful for his responses and I hope you enjoy them.

Natasha: When did you first become aware of your sexual interest in spanking? How old were you? Did you have a name for it at the start? Did you know this was the way some of us just are or was it something you tried to set aside and hide from? How did you feel about it?

Damian: This is both easy and difficult to answer. I have had a fascination for spanking and related matters for as long as I can remember. As to when I knew it was a ‘thing’ and that I was a particular something – I don’t know. It was gradual.

I knew from an early age that I wasn’t completely alone – titters in the classroom, tall elaborate spanking stories by kids at school (which I didn’t realize were stories, but knew the teller was as enthralled by the subject as I was)…. These were all clues.

I did that thing of searching books and films for scraps and then found whole books devoted to the subject by my late teens, so it was kind of obvious.

Natasha: When was the time when you decided to act - to try to find a partner who might be interested in exploring this with you? I imagine for men, especially as the dominant partner, there may be some conflicting emotions internally.

Damian: Again this was gradual – ‘school games’ played as a child (I was always the teacher) began it. I first spanked a girl outside of this when I was 15. This was pretty real to me at the time – although not overtly sexual – a bit of horseplay at a Saturday job I had.

Then it cropped up from time to time with other girls – and you can get away with a lot as long as you keep it jokey.

I spanked a girl in college for throwing water about – this with an audience. She was embarrassed and turned on – but I realized afterwards that third party consent was an issue, so I was more discreet after that.

Later I spanked a girlfriend in college after she bit me accidentally during fellatio. We had kidded around before that but this was the first time she knew I had a kink and that I had spanked her on the bare bottom as a separate event and not in play. We were pretty much full on after that (early mid 20s) but although she was into it big time she always called it ‘my thing.’

There were others after that.

My first attempt at reaching out scene-wise and going to parties etc. was shortly before launching my blog. But like a lot of people I was already more or less ‘middle aged’ by then.

I think it is quite a challenge to understand you are not alone and then come to terms with what it is you are. Then there is the time it takes to have the confidence to fully explore this world. So many of us do not really ‘go for it’ until relatively late in life.

I was lucky as although I did not actively seek partners when I was younger – I did seem to find them.

Natasha: What was the actual first time like for you? Being the submissive partner is one thing but to be the dominant one lays even more pressure on the shoulders of said Dom.

Damian: Yes it can be difficult – you can be sexually dominate seeking and shy – but as with all things it comes with experience. Here I think men have an advantage since being older and a Dom goes hand in hand.

Before that - as I said – we had horseplay at work when I was in my teens and I ended up spanking a co-worker ‘brat’ over my knee with a brush. She responded positively – that is ruefully and with grudging admiration. This was the first time I knew it could really happen.

Later I spanked a girl (not hard) as a kind of game after all the usual lead-up testing and she went ape… we broke up not long after that. That was the only time I got it very badly wrong. I think we spankos have a kind of spank-dar (if not, I have been very lucky). I say this because it has come up so often without guile that I think it is almost normal. That is so longs as you are relaxed and respectful.

I once spanked an (then) almost complete stranger I had spoken to only once – a neighbour – who one day had repeatedly pranked me by throwing water on me from an upstairs window. We lived in the same building and again in a kind of ice-breaking horseplay – I ended up spanking her in her own kitchen.

We dated after that and many spankings ensued. She had had previous too. No doubt she got the response she was looking for – I think we were both fairly courageous on that occasion; an illustration maybe that it does take two.

Another time I threatened to spank a senior colleague who was later to be my boss. It just slipped out at work. This could have been very bad (don’t try it), but she just responded in the classic you wouldn’t would you, all wide-eyed and nervous as she retreated behind the photocopier. There was a moment of understanding between us and I definitely think she had form too.

But I make it sound easy… there lots of times when I didn’t even venture there… well it kept me out of jail anyway. ;)

Natasha: Erotic spanking vs. true punishment spanking, can you talk about the difference for you here - I mean in the reality of it. Domestic discipline often sounds hot in fiction but I want the real life experience.

Damian: This is a big one and really quite complicated.

There are two key points here. Firstly how things are depicted in fiction, in my view, is fair game. After all if you explore any spanking scenario in fantasy it hurts no one. If you want to draw limits then you have to look at fiction and entertainment as a whole. Murder fiction and some quite dreadful horror scenarios for instance… For myself I often love exploring the boundaries of consent and non-consent. Did she participate in engineering a situation? Doth the lady protest too much? Is there an argument for need versus want? I am still talking about fiction here, just to be clear.

This brings me to the second point, and this is important, be clear about what is real and what is fantasy.

I think if you are a spanko then the first thing to accept is that it is all libido and one shouldn’t kid yourself otherwise. If you enter into a disciplinary arrangement at any stage then always accept this as a dimension of it or you and any potential partner are in trouble. Having accepted this – I think I am and have always been drawn to the punishment aspects of it. I think too there can be a genuine emotional and positive release for both partners by using corporal punishment in the resolution of outcomes. But this must be through consent – at least on some level.

When it comes to fiction – having a description of safely married couple having consensual BDSM sex in the bedroom lacks drama and is virtually vanilla in my view. It is a fantasy about someone else’s fantasy and tends to exclude the reader.

Natasha: Are you open about this part of your life with friends and/or family? If you are open about it with non-spankos, how have they reacted? Do you seek out friends with the same interest? If so, is there a difference in that sort of friendship, especially with another male dominant? 

Damian: I don’t go out of my way to announce it – maybe it’s an English thing, but people aren’t comfortable with personal declarations about most things. After all I really don’t want to know that a friend is into urology or rubber or anything really, let alone any details about my family’s sex lives. So why would I assume they want to be confronted with mine. Of course some people guess some of it, interests are hard to disguise. It is pretty much case by case as it arises.

Outside of that I have friends that I have met through the blog and at fairs or parties.

Natasha: Where do you think this stems from - nature or nurture, a mix, something else?

Damian: I think it is natural and widespread. Hollywood spanking and the success of 50 Shades is no accident. If it wasn’t something everyone identified with then it wouldn’t have been suppressed for so long while society squared it with gender politics. I still hear the tittering in the classroom and the blushes of confusion; such is the power of the S-word.

A (presumably) vanilla friend of mine once said that in any relationship one of you has to be the man, and it ain’t always the man. I think that is an astute observation of sexual power politics and human nature.

I am not saying everyone is a spanko and it is definitely stronger in some than others. But given the overt sexual nature of spanking and the at least nascent tendency in many people I think it will out if it is there.

What triggers it? Getting or seeing a spanking when young (even late teens – I know this has happened) and even being exposed to it as an adult. I suspect here I may have converted one or two women. That is not because I have corrupted anyone, but that I have released something already present.

Maybe some people don’t have it at all or maybe social conditions make them suppress it more. Most things are a matter of degree aren’t they? Why am I, and people like me obsessed? Who can say? But human beings obsess about a lot of things don’t we?

Natasha: I feel as though I can talk on some of these points with you for hours. For now, thank you so much for taking the time to answer my questions so thoughtfully Damian, and to the readers, I hope you all enjoyed it. Please feel free to ask questions and leave comments below. I hope you will in fact. 

Next Wednesday the 11th, I will post an interview with Secret Spanko of www.imasecretspanko.blogspot.com and on Wednesday the 18th,  I have James Johnson of Stormy Night Publications!


Jule Kijek said...

Thanks so much for the link. I just took a quick glance but I'm going to bookmark it and go back later. BTW, I am in the middle of your newest book, Protective Custody, and loving every word of it. Can't wait to finish it up. I'll post my Amazon review when I'm finished!

Cara Bristol said...

Thank you, Damien. Great interview! I really appreciated hearing from a male dominant's point of view how the lifestyle developed and progressed. I love the phrase, "one of you has to be the man, and it ain’t always the man."

Great blog, idea Natasha. I"ll be back for future installments.

Casey McKay said...

Great interview! Thanks, Damien for being so open and honest. I feel like we always get the submissive's perspective and never get to see things from the other side.

Good idea, Natasha :)

katherinedeane said...

Fantastic interview, you two!
I loved seeing the Dom side of things.
Thanks so much :)

Leigh Smith said...

Great interview. Thanks.

Natasha Knight said...

You will love the site Jule and hey, I saw your review for Protective Custody. Thank you so much, I'm so glad you enjoyed it!

Natasha Knight said...

Glad you enjoyed it Cara. It took me a little bit to get the nerve up to ask the guys to participate, but they all have been great.

Natasha Knight said...

Thanks Casey.

Natasha Knight said...

Me too!! Thanks Kate. I hope you'll be back for the next two installments as well.

Natasha Knight said...

Thank you Leigh, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Roz said...

Really enjoyed reading this Damian and Natasha. Thank you Damian for sharing your perspective. It's great to hear the Dom's view.


DJ said...

Thanks everyone and especially to Natasha for allowing me the opportunity.

All the best

DJ Black