Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Finding Myself

I've been living in Holland for two and a half years now and I realized just a few days ago that I finally felt good again. I felt like myself - how I used to feel. I'd forgotten it or just thought the darker me was the new me. And when I say darker, I don't mean dark in a good, dramatic, beautiful way. 

Just a quick note, my husband is Dutch and we decided to try out the 'European Dream' a couple of years ago. Everything aligned, we sold our house in record time in a crappy market, my husband had a job offer, we packed up our stuff and we went. I had no idea how difficult the transition would be in so many ways. I still try to block out the first six months we were here. 

At about the year mark, an American friend who was also living here and had moved two years prior to me made a comment as we walked home from yoga class. She very casually said 'the second year is the year of depression.' I stopped and turned to her thinking 'Holy hell, is it going to get worse?' In my mind, that was an impossibility.

It did get worse, but I survived it (and my family survived me). And I thought this was just how things were now. How I was. 

I visited home last month and had a wonderful trip. I was ok to come back to Holland though. I missed my husband and kids. Then just about a week ago I realized I was not so upset when it rained or when the sky was grey - again - for the fifth day in a row. The other day, I even painted our dining room and redecorated it (all I could manage to lift on my own got moved about was the extent of the redecoration) and I realized I just felt better. Felt myself. So the second year was definitely the year of  depression but the third is maybe the year of finding yourself again or coming back to yourself. I don't know, but it feels good - finally. 

Anyway, no spankings for you in this post - sorry. Maybe next time I'll do a warning at the start... I'm off to my bed and my Kindle...Have a lovely day. 


Casey McKay said...

I love you, friend. This post made me smile. Moving in itself is a big change, moving to another country is giant! You're awesome :)

R&K - Our journey in DD said...

Hi Natasha,
I'm new to your blog and haven't had a chance to go back and read any posts yet. I can't imagine the culture shock or how hard it would be to move to another country. But I'm glad your feeling more like yourself.

Viola Di Marzo said...

I think you were really brave. I don't think I would have had the courage to do the same.
I'm glad to hear you have finally found balance.
Love and warm hugs

Roz said...

Hi Nataha, this made me smile too. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to move to another country and am so glad to hear you are feeling more like yourself again. Happy for you :)


Penelope said...

Hugs to my lovely Natasha! So happy that you're feeling better; I hope this is the start of an upward curve that never ends. xx

Anastasia Vitsky said...

Hugs, Natasha. The sort of work and adjustments you are making will make you a better person in the end...which always means it's hard. Good for you for sticking it out and finding all that the world has to offer.