Friday, September 20, 2013

Submission in Real Life - Round Table Discussion

If you read last week's Round Table post, you have a brief introduction to me. That or you've already heard way more than you ever wanted to know anyway so on to today's post which is - in one word - submission. There are quite a few of us participating today so make sure to visit the Spanking Romance Review site to check out the rest of the posts.

Let me first define submission. Dictionary says -  the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.

Personally, I would define it as a gift of surrender. In my mind, this is not a 24/7 thing. This is a gift given over a certain period of time where there is an exchange of power, I relinquish mine over to him. It is a gift given, never taken, never asked for. It is simply given.

I've learned something in the past weeks. I've learned I'm much more traditional than I thought in that I am only able to give this gift to my husband. That's a whole other topic and it's not really important for this discussion so I'll leave it for now, but that was a huge learning for me.

In reality, this area is new for me. I'm in a whole new place with no reference points where we're learning as we go. One thing I've learned is that in reality, submission is not as perfect or easy as in fiction. Yes, I knew that but I now really know that. And to be very honest, in reality, the act of submitting or surrendering is very difficult for me. In my mind, in my fantasies, I submit. It's easy. It's sexy, it's my whole being. But in reality, I fight it even as I long for it - long to just do it, to give it, to let go and give it.

I'm sitting here writing this and have been trying to write this post in the past days, but it's a much more difficult post to write than I thought it would be. Partly I think it's because it is a personal post - and how much do I want to share? How much can I give away of myself?

I think I'm going to do this the only way I know how - through my writing - in a sort of poem or offering. Here it is - the ideal submission in my mind:

I stand naked before him while he is fully clothed.
He tells me to kneel with my hips resting on my heels, knees wide.
He stands behind me, walks to the side of me, watches me as I look straight ahead at nothing.
He tells me to rest my forehead on the ground. I lean forward to do that. At his direction, I extend my arms forward, my forehead touching the cool, hard wood.

I'm to remain as I am.
He is somewhere behind me. I feel exposed.
 He does not touch me and I do not move. I close my eyes, then I open them.
Vulnerability flows through me. Resistance wants me to straighten but it's not as strong as my  desire to submit.

I remain as I am for I don't know how long. As long as he wants me to be.
When he tells me I may straighten, I may stand, I may come kneel beside him, rest my head on his thigh as he caresses my hair, I feel soft. I feel my eyes are reddened, not from tears but from my submission. He does not speak to me and I rest against him, close to him and for the first time, I am submissive.